Another Layer Revealed in this Journey Called Life
Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
Isn't that something to celebrate? It's all about self-acceptance and embracing the unique strengths and qualities God crafted in us.
Now, if you've been following my journey, you might remember my tales of breaking free from people-pleasing. Childhood experiences led me to a place of constant self-doubt, seeking acceptance in not-so-healthy spaces. Fast forward, and here I am, proudly carving out my space. No more room-crashing or staying in unwelcoming places—I've learned to respect myself with healthy boundaries.
For so long I’ve struggled with feeling worthy and although I now surround myself with people who respect me, I recently discovered another layer that has been an eye opener.
I have always considered myself a giver—any opportunity to serve, count me in! I love helping others, especially those eager to help themselves. Yet, in this walk, I've noticed some blurred lines. I realized that I sometimes help others because I feel unworthy in certain spaces, like I need to prove something. It's natural for me to lend a hand, but I'm becoming mindful of why I am doing it.
Let me share a little moment with you. Today, I walked into a busy coffee shop, tables in chaos, left behind by some teenagers. My first instinct? Grab a rag and start cleaning. But halfway through asking the manager, I caught myself. Instead of asking for a rag, I asked her if she'd mind taking care of it. It hit me in that moment—I was doing it partly because it was a white-owned establishment. I found myself wanting to be the friendly black face (cue side-eye), which I actually do often, now that I am thinking about it. Unbelievable, but it's my truth.
And as I spill my thoughts here, I can't help but wonder, is this a form of manipulation? Am I proving my worth to be accepted? Like… I proved to you these things and so you should accept me. I think I do this in many of my relationships. It's a realization hitting me as I type, not something I planned for this blog now turned journal entry.
Although some may feel shame with these types of realizations, this type of exposure often happens in my journal writing which is why I wholeheartedly believe in writing to heal. I use to hesitate to write even in a journal because I was too embarrassed to look at myself. Now, I’ve come a long way and I am able to share these in the moment experiences due to the amount of work I put into my healing. I’ve learned to be patient with myself and give myself grace.
This was meant to be a blog, but here we are, real and unfiltered. I had something on my heart and wanted to share and it revealed new truths that I need to unpack. I’ll do some more writing in the upcoming days and consult with my therapist at our next session, which is another tool that supports me on this adventure.
By serving with my gifts and strengths, I will continue to contribute to building His kingdom while simultaneously unlearning the belief that I'm not enough. I don't claim to have all the answers, but here's what I know: we are worthy in the eyes of God. Remember, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.